The Sofa of Fun

You are a visitor to my beautiful Sofa of Fun Page. Doesn't that give you a warm feeling inside?

Thank you for visiting the:

Welcome to my SOFA OF FUN PAGE. Abandon hope all ye slip down the back of here.

This site is under constant
Construction Gif
But there again, aren't they all?

This page is best viewed with your eyes.
A Braille version is available by e-mailing me.
A small charge is made.

If you don't care for soothing music as you surf,
an off button is provided below.

Pauls' very own picture of the week*

A nice picture, isn't it? Feel free to use it as a desktop background if you like. Click here to go to my (so-called) Naked Photo Album.

If you'd like to see some more of my photographs, and I can't think of a good reason why you wouldn't, you'll find lots on my Naked Photo Album page.

*If I'm being lazy, this may be the picture of the month/year/etc. Please respect the fact that I can't always be arsed to change it, ok?

Please note: This site does not contain Pornography of any sort. If that's what you are looking for, can I recommend as a good place to start.


Link image Some variable quality lies about me, my hobbies and the town in which I 'live'. Embrace the fiction of my weasel existence. Vital note: ... No, it's gone... Damn. It was really important.

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My Naked Photo Album, plus Judith's Bears of Doom! Only for those with a strong stomach. Please note: I was naked in every photograph, underneath the clothes I was wearing.

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From the Brain of Paul. A collection of stuff to inspire, featuring Problems with Old People and a link to the famous Tale of the Dog Faced Boy on the Dog Faced Boy page.

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This link takes you at high speed to an area where I speak out about stuff that has been playing on my mind. So, today I ask 'what the hell is it about... Sheep?' YES. I SAID SHEEP!

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Wheels of Fire! (Or how I learnt to stop worrying about the bomb and build a sports car instead.) Discover the deep joy that knowing your differentials gear ratio can bring.

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Bond Bug-gery! My first car. Older than I am. More wheels than I've got (it's got three, I have legs) and a much brighter shade of orange than even Bob Monkhouse has ever been.

You've found the odd-one-out. Well done!
Here are links to a small selection of crazy things I've stumbled across on the 'net. Many of them are harmless... some of them less-so. I guess the skill is in knowing which is which.

Press something here to e-mail me. I'm asking nicely. Don't make me force you, but you know your e-mail would mean a lot too me. Please, I'm begging now.... (sob)


A) Not far from my humble home... and B) The hateful heart of Aylesbury. These pictures were taken just 2.7 miles apart! Over 18? Click here for some Aylesbury style fun!

A weird mixture of reality and bare faced fiction, in this, my potted history:

I live on the out-skirts of Aylesbury, a grim coal mining town in the black industrial heartland of Buckinghamshire (that’s in the UK for you odd foreign types).

I work out-of-town in the hi-tech glue area of the radioactive dog cheese industry doing something great with esoteric components for gripping and turning equipment. But I’m not quite as dull as I sound, as I hope this page-o'-fun will prove.

The town of Aylesbury itself is steeped in history. Some mornings it's hard to get out of the front door, what with all the history piled up against it. Much of the areas history is a national secret, but I can tell you that Fish out of the 80's soft metal band Marillion used to live here and we boast one of the countries nastiest tower blocks in the land; the local Council offices. When Stan 'the man' Kubrick (the hardest to spell reclusive film director of modern times) was looking for large expanses of faceless, soulless concrete in 1970, he came here to film parts of 'A Clockwork Orange'. The place hasn't improved much since his death. The smell of urine is everywhere.

We have a fine network of power-lines over many domestic structures (what we in the UK call 'Homes') in the area, so I'd expect the cancer rate of the area to be fairly high. Luckily the world famous (and not just for the giant killer rats) hospital at Stoke Mandeville is only a mile or two out of town. The PM's country home, Chequers, is just a short vomit away, as is the one-time-home of that bloke who wrote those kids books. If you'd like more information on Aylesbury, and you're over 18, visit my Aylesbury with Bob and Curly page, which features bad-mouthed teddy bears.

And if by a strange fluke-of-chance Teddy Bears are very much your bag, baby, then you'll find lot's on the Judiths' Bears of Doom Page. The connection? Judith lives in Aylesbury too!

Pauls Chubby Chops. Click here to E-mail me

Paul, 30, is the result of Neo-Nazi genetic experiments in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. He enjoys high cholesterol foods and tinkering with his car collection (three, including a rare 1970’s Bond Bug and a Lotus Super Seven style kit car). His favourite colour is the shade of greeny-red you get when you pick a nose which has had a nose-bleed and his favourite films are Luc Besson’s Taxi and a 1950’s film by Hammer called Quatermass and the Pit. He's also fond of The Italian Job, and has been known to only blow the bloody doors off. Which is good.

For no good reason Paul considers Cheese to be the Devils work and he thinks Mexicans have it easy. In fact, he once saved an entire Mexican village form a horde of Vampire Goats with just a spoon. Clare Short has recently featured in his mind more than can be broadly called ‘healthy’ and he'd like you to send him e-mail of a disturbing nature. He has never, ever, used his powers for evil, but obviously the temptation to run amok is always there.

My life in concrete. Click here to see my Naked (ahem) Photo Album, where more pictures of this odd object (the one in the background!) can be found.

My very wide taste in Hobbies include:

General fun with computers, including creating and working on my personal web site, the twisted results of which can be seen all around you!
Socialising, particularly visiting the theatre or the cinema with friends, many of whom don't need paying.
Creative digital photography and animation. For more info, see my T.M.T.O.M.H. Page, Flash Animation Page, Naked Photo Album Page, my Online Shop Page or my well regarded Arty Farty Page. If you like spiders, you could also enjoy my Furry Friends Page.
Building and maintaining my Lotus Super 7 style Kit Car, as beautifully featured on my Wheels of Fire Page.
Walking, swimming, tennis and cycling. Oh and 'listening to music' and 'reading' too.
Creative writing, especially for Indie Magazine, a monthly computer trade publication. Copies of some of my other wafflings can be found on my Dog Faced Boy Page or for something less earnest (ha!) try my Jonathan Creek Page.
Vaguely-classic car restoration. I own a rare 1971 Bond Bug which is featured on my Bond Bug-gery Page.
And last, if not least, Crossdressing. ;o)

My life of face pulling. Click here to see my 'Too Much Time On My Hands' page, where more pictures on this subject can be found.

Ten shocking things about me:

i) I own a rare copy of the first ever edition of the Blue Peter Annual.

ii) I lost my virginity in a bathtub

iii) I can recite, from memory, PI and the Speed of Light (in miles per second) to ten figures. This ability has been of no use to me what-so-ever, yet I continue to be slightly pleased with myself every time I pick up a calculator which only shows PI to eight places. (Oh ok. 3.141592654 and 186,282.3970 respectively.)

iv) My party trick is to lodge a complete banana in my throat and regurgitate it on demand. Indeed, it's usually 'fired' from my mouth with enough force that it can be shot several feet. There was an incident with a cleavage a few years ago, but I don't like to talk about it.

v) On demand, I can recite and act-out Lewis Carrols' Jabberwocky poem from Alice through the Looking Glass. It's something which, in the past, has won me prizes.

vi) I do a mean Kermit The Frog impression, usually singing his almost catch-phrase hit "It's not easy being green."

vii) I've speeded, on a bonny boat no-less, and very much like a bird on the wind, over the sea to Skye. And it was lovely. Wet, but lovely.

viii) I have a secret ambition to visit Ulan Bator.

ix) I know what the Meaning of Life is*.

x) Most shockingly, ALL of the above are 100% true.

x-a) As is the statment above.

x-b) And the statment above this one, and this one too. Sorry, this is getting silly now.


Click on a picture or text link to visit the full-sized page.

Me in Monte, Madeira

Once I had hair. This picture proves it beyond all reasonable doubt.

For something a little different...
Judiths' leg DID grow back

The thing in my head


O.A.P's... Old Anoying People...and a link to The Dog Faced Boy page

This is, of course, a joke. The world today is not very Oldster friendly. Wrinklies are treated as second class citizens. We mock their plastic teeth and laugh at their incontinence. Far from sympathetic, I’m sure you’ll agree. I for one fully support the right of any grave-dodger to have cheap rail travel and give their grand-children dental abscesses with Werthers Originals. I say yes to cardigans. I say yes to smelling of boiled Cabbage. I applaud talking about the war. I celebrate the choice of every Victor Meldrew to spend all their meagre income on cat food. I do not mind that while my taxes are paying their old age pension, regardless of need, I am expected to make provision for my own old age. I care not that I can expect to be scowled at for not giving up my seat on the bus to a grey haired, sour faced old bitch. I like to be hobbled by those tartan covered shopping trolley things. I admire those fleece lined boots with the huge ‘easy- to-work’ zips. If there is one thing The Golden Girls has taught us, it is that being a burden to society doesn’t mean living without self-respect. It just means you have to lower your expectations regarding personal hygiene and starting long books. Hooray for old people I say!

(Yes, Old People, Dear.)

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Click here for more of the
Thoughts of Chairman Smith,
including the remarkable
tale of the Dog Faced Boy...


The scourge upon our land which is SHEEP

Mmmm... Sexy Sheep! This image links you to

See how they lead our honest farmers astray?! The little teases! Oh how they waggle their little bottoms as they... No,I must resist! When I get five minutes to myself I will be seeking out fascinating facts about sheep, such as:

What is the boiling point of sheep?

Are sheep ‘the new black?’

Do sheep dream of electric Androids?

What type of soup do sheep prefer?

Are sheep inherently evil?

How far is the farthest sheep?

And finally:

Sheep: The alternatives to penetrative sex.

This is the car that made me the man I am today.

My Kitcar in all its glory. Click here to zip to THE WHEELS OF FIRE PAGE.

Discover what fun you can have with the ikky guts of a C-Reg Ford Sierra, three years and an enormous spanner collection. Swoon as I grind, cut, file, paint and scream obscenities on the glorious road to kitcar creation!

Bond Bugs. Love them or hate them, they're forever orange. Clicking here will take you to see more!

Take a crazy late 60's idea. Add a hostile take-over. Blend with 4oz. of bright orange glass fibre. Allow to stand (on flat tyres) for 5 years. Garnish with oil, vomit and a strange 1971 psudo-glamour. What do you get? My funky Bond Bug!


Thanks for visiting my Sofa of Fun!

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Pauls Pointy Arrow Thing
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*It's a film by Monty Python.