The Naked 'Photo Album

Don't even think for a brief moment about asking.
Like the homoerotic sign says, this is the:

NAKED PHOTO ALBUM

Wandering loonWandering loonWandering loonWandering loonWandering loon

This all singing, all dancing page has some fairly unthreatening thumbnail picture links, plus mixed quality comments and musings. Click on a picture to see the bigger version of it. That's what thumbnail means on the Internet. It's an interesting fact that in every picture on this page, underneath their clothes, the subjects were totally naked. Hence the name of the page.
Note: This page is yet to be finished.

But it will be...

Oh yes, it will be.

This page may appear to be a bit of a 'Temple-of-Paul', and the two pictures below set the tone for this. I apologise for that. It's just wherever I go, there I am, handy to be photographed either to add a much-needed human element to a picture, or just to show scale. Anyway, I'm sorry I dominate this page so much. On the temple front, my body is a temple. Sadly, it's a temple dedicated to the worship of Chips. (A note for Americans. I mean Fries). (This full stop [or 'period' if you're a flipping Yank] doesn't look right inside the brackets or outside! Which is correct, in or out? Please e-mail me if you know. Thanks.)

A headache? No, just a pain in the temples! A man with a camera who absolutely, positively, WILL NOT STOP! Me with my old Minolta digicam.

I know you'll be very keen to see more of my life-changing pictures, so come back in a few days and I promise even more will have been uploaded. In the meantime, why not check out the great photos of cuddly toys on the Judiths' Bears of Doom site? Oh, ok. Well, perhaps later then? If you like Bears, but prefer them to be bad-mouthed and talking about Aylesbury, a town in Buckinghamshire, UK, AND YOU'RE OVER 18, then you need to use this link to visit Aylesbury with Bob & Curly.

Also make the time (get an adult to help you perhaps) to inspect my Arty Farty Page, where you'll find some more creative photographs and all sorts of strange and upsetting stuff that I've drawn or knocked together from bits of driftwood.

Other than some shots scanned in from APS or 35mm prints, the pictures on my site were taken with my old Minolta Dimage V digital camera (640 x 480 resolution, how did I cope?!) or with my newer Casio QV-8000SX which is the best 1.3MP camera in the world- Ever! Anyway, it produces bigger and better shots than the 0.3MP Minolta. Both cameras were supplied by www.hitech-uk.com who do a fine range at some very very good prices.

Since the Casio is a big-old-lump of a digicam, I also bought a little lightweight Fuji A201 2.0Mp pocket camera from work for photographing the inside of my pocket. By accident, obviously. Anyway, there's a picture of it below (the silvery one) and I'll let you know how it works out.

Update: And then a Canon Powershot Pro70 came to my attention at a price I couldn't refuse. So that's three digital cameras now, which is, I feel, enough for any mortal.

All this for just £225 plus VAT! Click here for a full review of this great camera.Lighter than a feather, easier to use than your nose and all-round cool-n-groovy. The tiny 1600x1200 res. Fuji A201.Used to be £600. To me, squire, £130. Bargain-mungus!

Panasonic NV-DS27B Mini Digital Video Camera. A fully featured unit at a very affordable price...

And then I made the mistake of thinking about getting a camcorder...
Above is my Panasonic NV-DS27B Mini DVC with lots of funky features for me to play with. Once I've mastered compressing video down to tiny files, I'll be posting stuff. So get yourself mentally prepared for that.

To find whatever you seek faster, feel free to use (such a nasty word) the links below.

When I was young...

Red Hot and Cool in Cyprus!

Who are you calling a cycle-path?

It's true, I am a real wheel nut!

I work hard for a living.

How do you get two Whales in a Mini...?

Two go Mad in Madeira!

Other fun-fun-fun in the sun-sun-sun.

Every album has them!

Home sweet home.

Just a stones throw away...

Holiday North of the Border.

Paul: A man and his women.

When I was young...

PAULS' THOUGHT: HAVEN'T I GROWN?
May 1972. I get water on my head. With my wicked Godmother 'Glen' in a suporting role. And my Mum has a go with me too.
May 1972.

When I was very little and looked a bit like Phil Collins I got dipped in a puddle and told I was a Child of God, or some-such, by a man wearing a dress, no doubt. Now I ask you, is that anyway to be exposed to...blah, blah, blah. On the left, my wicked god-mother Glenis (apologies for the probable dodgy spelling) wearing a hat from the early 1970's while I try to stare-out the photographer with my best evil-child look. On the right, my mother (also wearing a hat from the early 1970's) shows off my better side. By the way, I recall seeing that hat as a very young child. It's funny the things you remember, isn't it?


PAULS' THOUGHT: HAVEN'T I GOT BIG?
My first car! 1972 - The back yard in Wicken.
Summer 1972.

Straight-six three-litre engine, fuel injection, electric sunroof and ABS. My first car had none of these. That didn't stop me from enjoying it though, as you can see. In the cars defence, it did have a completely flat aerodynamic under-tray.


PAULS' THOUGHT: DOES HE TALK?
I get some Disney merchendise for my first birthday. For some reason, years later, I sold Mickey for 50p. What a fool I was. THE picture that gets shown to girlfriends by my mum.
November 1972.

Left: That wallpaper was totally legal when I was one. As was the sofa, but one imagines that's no longer true. This is me receiving a foam-rubber bendy Mickey Mouse when I was just 365 days old. I subsequently sold that Mickey when I was about 10 for 50p. What a moron I was. Still, a bit late to be moaning about being taken advantage of now...

Right: THE photograph which gets dragged out to show a new girlfriend by my mum. So much has changed in the (about) 30 years since this picture was taken. I no longer bathe with my brother. I'm no longer blonde and, bizarrely, I no longer have the baby blue eyes which I so clearly have in this shot. And that's it for major changes. (Sigh) I'm happy to say the good oral hygiene habits installed so early have paid dividends. I've never had a filling or an extraction from that day to this.


PAULS' THOUGHT: YOU'VE SHOT UP! (NOT A DRUGS REFERENCE)
1974 - Playschool with Samantha.
Spring? 1974.

I started young! This was my Playskool pal Samantha and I playing. Well, I say playing. I think we were actually fighting over a worm, which eventually stretched out to three times it's usual body length. And then snapped. Thus I was only able to eat half the worm. Damn that greedy bitch Samantha.


PAULS' THOUGHT: WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS? (WHERE INDEED?)
July 1975 - My brother Adams 6th birthday party.
July 1975.

I may look like a little angelic bundle of loveliness, but little did the other children at my brothers 6th birthday party know that I'd wee'd in the fruit cordial. As you see from my expression, I'd just remembered what I'd done after taking a sip myself. Hoisted by my own petard!


PAULS' THOUGHT: PUPPY LOVE. THEY CAN ARREST YOU FOR IT YOU KNOW.
Taken by my brother, this is my father Mike, my mum Jean and me on the Isle of Wight in 1976. But doesn't it look like 1966? 1977 - Patio in Steeple Claydon, swatting after a hard day at school with Heather. 1979 - Blackgang Chine - Isle of Wight, where I took many holidays.
1976-79.

left: Note my tongue is out. What a scamp I was.

Centre: My little friend Heather and I after school one hot day in 1977. She was the first girl I ever kissed, and I remember thinking 'is this what all the fuss is about?' She was a great buddy and I've often wondered what became of her. If you know a Flame-haired (it doesn't show in this shot, I know) Scottish girl called Heather who used to live in Steeple Claydon in Bucks, e-mail me please!

Right: I remember the day when Adam (on the left) and I commandeered this tank and roared into Kabul... So clearly a lie it hurts. In fact a shot taken at one of my childhood haunts, Blackgang Chine on the Isle of Wight, in 1979.


PAULS' THOUGHT: WHY DID I HAVE TO GROW UP? SORRY, I MEANT WHY DO I HAVE TO GROW UP?
June 11th 1980 - Backgarden in Steeple Claydon (Bucks) August 1981 - A glider landed in the field behind our house, after swooping over our roof. I'm pushing it whilst trying to get a stone out of my sock. Also in August 1981 I was on holiday in Cornwall. This is Adam and I at a tin mine.
1980-81.

Left: June 11th 1980. Those wellington Boots and I were inseparable for several years I recall. Heather and I erect a proper old-fashioned tent

Centre: Having missed out roof by mere feet, it seemed, this glider went on to land in the field behind our house, where I and several other locals (that's my dad on the right) tried to take it back to our nest. However, the man in the hat stopped us. Darn, there was good eatin' on that thing as well.

Right: Me. Adam. Cornwall. 1981. Say no more.


PAULS' THOUGHT: I HAVE GROWN. A BIT.
In about 1982 I learnt to ride a bike. I was a late starter. Note the huge feet, pale complexion and patches on my knees. Seaside fun with Adam, my brother.
1982 and later.

Left: Queen sang 'I want to ride my bicycle' and so in 1982 I thought I'd give it a shot too. Note the patches on my knees. Aye, times was 'ard. I believe this is the very bicycle that I later, with the help of my brother and father, invented mountain-biking with. We were on holiday in Wales and decided to save 15 miles of riding on roads by just popping across a mountain. How I remember laughing as we carried the bikes on our shoulders, leaping from enormous bolder to enormous bolder.

Right: I have no idea what had happened to make me run from the sea like that. Had I glimpsed a sharks fin? Or is the truth visible in Adams evil half-smile? That's not an inner tube he's sitting on by the way. We had a family killer-whale we used to take on holiday with us to sit and ride on. I wonder where Orca is now? We had a hell of a job flushing him down the toilet when he'd got too big to keep...

Hot times in Cyprus!
My 1996 Holiday.

PAULS' THOUGHT: WHEN YOU NEED HELP, SEEK IT.
'Cool Dudes' in Cyprus Simply Gorge-ous! A lone 'Cool Dude'

On the left:
Here I am in Cyprus with Judith, looking as cool as you like on a hired Honda 650. We went off-roading on this beast all over the place and got lost and worried. We became stuck in an exit-less valley, heading for glimpsed villages in the distance, only to find them deserted. After seeing five burn-out cars and not a single human soul in three hours we started to wonder how much petrol we had in reserve...

In the middle:
After a very long ride we eventually tracked down the Avagas Gorge, and this is me at the end of it. Well, I say the end of it, what I mean is this is as for as we went up it. It was very nice to walk in it's cool shade after hours of 100 degrees heat. I did get very sun-burnt on this holiday. Oh yes, and I never want to hear 'Bazooka' music ever again!!

On the right:
And all on my tod. It may have been reckless, but it was a complete blast to ride without a helmet. I remember bombing along by the coast, following the sweep of a bay on the smooth tarmac, the air roaring in my ears (if not my hair!)

Ah, memories!

We just about survived the holiday, although I still carry the scars (both emotional and physical) of a very hot air-cooled engine.

Places to visit: Fairly interesting country with lots of ruins. Don't miss the Tombs of the Kings and Avagas Gorge (if you can find it!)


PAULS' THOUGHT: IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED ANT POST THAN NEVER LOVED A GHOUL.
Zombie, Dawn of the Dead. Paul visits Cyprus

Here I am, lightly toasted on a bed of spring vegetables, as a Zombie. People without imagination may say 'No change there then'. I have no idea what the heads were about. There was a sign but it was in Greek.

A total Cycle-path!
How, since 1999, it's all gone a bit bike crazy.

PAULS' THOUGHT: QUESTION YOUR MOTIVES. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

Filmstar bunny! Poppy fields

Left: Here's Judith, looking slightly flushed but ever-so glamorous and lovely after a quick bike ride. This is Ethrope Park, not far from where I live. It was a lovely day, marred only buy a cross-country route home which carried us across ploughed fields. Have you ever tried pushing a bicycle who's wheels are clogged with twice its own weight in mud. Well, have ya?

Right: Whilst cycling somewhere near Princes Risborough Judith and I paused to admire a corn field spotted with poppies. And I took this rather sweet shot of her.

Places to visit: Not far from Aylesbury and Ethrope is the village of Waddesdon. Here you will find Waddesdon Manor, a beautiful house now open to the public. (National Trust...try to sneak in if you can.) They film lots of period drams here, which is kind of cool. However, nothing surpasses the fact that a section of Carry On Don't lose your Head was shot here.


PAULS' THOUGHT: FIND A BETTER WAY TO DO IT IF YOU CAN.

The iron bridge The house of my dreams

To the left is a fine wrought-iron bridge over the Wendover Arm of the err, Grand Union Canal? I often cycle here (what with canal tow-paths being pretty flat!) and this shot was taken on New Years Day, 2000. That's it. I've nothing more to tell you.

To the right is a beautiful house not far from where I live, best reached by cycle.

Places to visit: This whole stretch of canal from Aston Clinton (on the A41 between Aylesbury and Tring) to Wendover is lovely. Walk it, ride it, or even swim it... no, perhaps not swim it. Anyway, if you like seeing baby ducks (technically Ducklings) than this could be the very place for you!


PAULS' THOUGHT: THERE WAS A FILM RELEASED IN THE UK IN 2001 CALLED 'DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS'. I BEG YOU, DON'T GO TO SEE IT, BUY IT OR RENT IT!
A rare map reading moment

Whilst cycling in the Chiltern Hills not far from where I live in Buckinghamshire (have you been paying attention?) I often have to take a moment out to do a spot of map reading. This has nothing to do with the hilly and tiring nature of the terrain of course.

Real Wheel Nut!
The Transport I have enjoyed.

PAULS' THOUGHT: AVOID SEX WITH STRANGERS. ALWAYS INTRODUCE YOURSELF FIRST.
It cost me £1,100 and was the bike of my dreams for many years...

My Yamaha RD350 YPVS, or 'The Powervalve' as it was usually known, was my first bike after passing my test. Before this lurid-red-road-rocket I rode such delights as a Kawasaki AR125 and a Suzuki GP100/125. This 350cc, two-stroke nutter was something of a step up, and I have many happy memories of popping wheelies away from traffic lights and other antics which would cause old women to wave sticks at me. If you ever want to grin so wide your head is in danger of parting company with your neck, this is the bike I'd recommend to you. And then some bar steward nicked it. Arse.

Places to visit: This is a bike, not a place. But I had monster fun with it on the roads between Winslow and Buckingham in Buckinghamshire.


PAULS' THOUGHT: BE NICE TO FISH. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Me with my trusty Bond Bug micro-car Bond Toys. Is it just me, or does that sound a little rude? Ah. Just me then. ;-) Bond Bug Advert poster (109k file)

To the left: This strange contraption is and was my first car, a 1971 Bond Bug 700ES. One of only about 1500 ever made, this three wheeler was my wet weather transport from the age of 21 to 25. At 25 I passed my Driving test (on my first try, I may add!) and left the world of motorcycling and Bond Bugs far behind. I still own this 70's wonder, which was mad(e) by the Reliant Company of Tamworth in Staffordshire, UK, and plan to fully rebuild it one day. Originally it was Orange (they all were) but it has also been metallic green, yellow and now black. It's also been fitted with a 850cc engine from a Reliant Robin. Very unusually, this car was originally supplied with two alloy wheels and two steel ones, and more info on it can be found on my Bond Buggery Page.

In the middle: These are Corgi models of my bizarre car. More info on them can be found on my Arty Farty Page.

On the Left: A poster used to promote the Bond when it was launched in 1970. Click on the thumbnail picture for a larger (500k) picture.

Places to visit: This is a car, not a place. However, for the record, Woburn Abbey where the Bug was launched in 1970 is very nice.


PAULS' THOUGHT: DON'T PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DELEGATE TODAY.

A wet day. Oh dear god yes.

For a couple of years I drove this fine example of a beige C-reg. VW Passat estate. It was cheap. It was fast-ish (2ltr. 5 cylinder engine, fuel injection, 120 Bhp). And thanks to springs so soft they may once have been used as pillows, it was very comfy too. This picture was taken when I went down to Devon to see the Solar Eclipse in August 1999. Now you can see why no one got to view the great event all that well!


PAULS' THOUGHT: DON'T USE THE DARK FORCES OF VOODOO TO HELP YOU SHOP FOR SHOES.

1.8ltr and perminant four wheel drive. I ask you. What's the point?
There's no business like snow business...

Top: My last practical mode of transport was my trusty Subaru Legacy, which as you can see, was both grey and an estate. I do fear the coming of slippers. It was a very good car in the snow and with its 12 CD auto-changer, if I'd ever been stranded, at least I'd have had some tunes to listen to while I awaited rescue. It got between 35 and 28 miles per gallon and had a small oil leak. Really, those are were most exciting things about it. I had to get rid of it when I became the first person ever to break a Subaru gearbox.

Bottom: As I say, my old Scooby Doo was good in the snow, where the all-wheel drive and limited slip differentials, plus the low ratio gearbox all came in handy. If only it had been bright orange and had tracks it'd have been perfect for the harsh winter months we suffer in north Buckinghamshire, as seen from my bedroom window below:

PAULS' THOUGHT: FOOLS RUSH IN, EXCEPT FOR THE SLOW FOOLS, WHO AMBLE IN.
The snow lay 12 feet deep in places... The best Rover Rover ever built


PAULS' THOUGHT: HAIR TO BLEACH AND THEN YOU DYE IT.

My current weekday and damp weather mode of transport is, to my shame, this ancient Renault 5 Campus. It's got a throbbing 1108cc engine, a wide selection of forward gears (pick from an exciting range of four!) and real glass windows. On the up-side (and there really has to be one) the insurance and road-tax are both cheap and it'll do silly numbers of miles-per-gallon if used carefully.

Oh yes, and even though it has no ABS, CL, EW, FSH, PAS or airbags, it does have a sunroof. And a radio.


PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, DO THAT 'SEA FOOD DIET' JOKE. EVER.
About to explore the famous (to people who like zig-zag roads) Applecross road in the Highlands of Scotland. Yes, you have seen this picture before. It's also used in the Cyprus section High above the Valley of the Nuns on Madeira, we (the ever lovely Judith and I) paused to take this charming photograph of me and a 'Seat' hire car which can best be described as a FLICKING PIECE OF CR@P! Judith and our trusty hire-car, which we somehow failed to name. The highest point of Corfu, and the mop-head we got to it on! Intrepid explorer pauses to pose

Hiring a car, moped or motorcycle whilst on holiday is something of a tradition for me. Above (left to right) we have Scotland, Cyprus, Madeira, Majorca and Corfu and Corfu again. Majorca is a bit of a cheat really, because I couldn't find my licence so Judith did all the driving. My map reading skills improved massively that week. I have also hired transport on Guernsey and a bicycle on Sark :-)

I enjoy the challenges of driving abroad and can whole-heartedly recommend...sorry, I should do this properly:

Places to visit: The roads on the south-west coast of Madeira are the most amazing in the world! Don't try them in an open top car though, because there are frequent waterfalls crashing onto it, making this area popular with people wanting to wash their car with minimum effort.


PAULS' THOUGHT: REALLY NICE BREASTS ARE NO GUARANTY OF A REWARDING RELATIONSHIP.

The weekend run-about. Brummmmm! It's not just for sitting on. It moves under its own power too. As does the car.

My mistress. Much more info about this beauty can be found on my Wheels of Fire! site. It's fast and very hard to keep clean. That's all I have to say about that right now.


PAULS' THOUGHT: MY FRIENDS TOLD ME TO JUST BE MYSELF, I WAS, AND NOW THEY HATE ME. (With thanks to Rob Newman.)

October 19th 2000, Thruxton Racetrack Having just been taken for a spin around Thruxton Racetrack

My word that was fun! 380bhp, £100,000 worth of car and a wide, dry racetrack. What more can I say? Other than I would have preferred a red one.
The grin tells you I've just been seriously entertained in a Porsche Boxster. And yes, that is a lovely helmet I have there, isn't it?


PAULS' THOUGHT: SHE LOOKED LIKE A PAINTED WHORE, BUT I KINDA LIKE THAT IN A GIRL...
Tiny penis? Moi?

What a big car that was...
In late October 2001 I was taken into London for a day-o'-fun (London Eye, The Comedy Store, etc.) in this beast of a limousine with some other guys from work. It's the funniest damn thing to have people gawking at you as you work your way through the traffic, all thinking you must be pop-stars. A very odd yet strangely thrilling experience. We drove into town watching Snatch on the cars DVD player and helping ourselves to the bar. If you ever get the chance to hire one of these behemoths, I heartily recommend it.


PAULS' THOUGHT: FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. THERE AGAIN, SO CAN NUCLEAR BOMBS.
My fathers 1964 Austin 3000 and automobila collection, as seen on TV My dear old dads 1930's Invicta.

Petrol runs in my families veins. My brother is a used car dealer (the shame of it!) and my father collects motoring memorabilia and,as you can see, the occasional car too. He used to compete in rallies including the RAC. In a Skoda, amongst others.

How I spend my working day.

PAULS' THOUGHT: WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR MONITOR IS CALLED A MONITOR?
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go...

Here I am, earning a living. See how I smile. See how I look slightly bewildered. Notice that I yawn. Inspect my face-pulling. Now you know what is is that I do for cold hard cash from Monday to Friday. And damn, I do it with some style, don't I? (This animation was taken with the time-laps feature of my camera, perched on top of my monitor. Buy a digital camera and you too can show the world what you do at work... if you dare.)

...Over the Seven Bridge!
My Welsh Holidays.

PAULS' THOUGHT: SOME JOBS ARE BEST RUSHED.
Paul, looking cool(ish) in Wales

Wales is a funny place. It's sort of like England, but then it's like being abroad too, because you can't read the road-signs, pronounce the place names or understand the locals. Costa-del-Rhyl. Anyway, we've been a couple of times (or Lltymes, as the locals would say) and, between the rain storms, it's very nice. My first visit took me to the North, and Lake Vyrummmm... never did learn how to pronounce that! But this picture is from my more recent trip to Abergavenny in the South. This is me in Puzzlewood, which is a kind of maze in an amazing, pre-historic looking woodland. Those legs are my own.

Places to visit: Really anywhere except Merthyr Tydfil, which can best be described as the most god-forsaken hole on the face of the Earth....and that's being polite.


PAULS' THOUGHT: IT'S NOT WORTH DYING FOR THE TOILET.
Lake Vyrummm, as featured in TV adverts for Wales.

This is Lake Vyrummmm as mentioned above. I spent a lovely weekend here courtesy of the company I worked for at the time. I won two nights in a very beautiful hotel for Judith and I. This is the view out of our bedroom window. This is also a view used in television adverts by the Welsh Tourist Board to lour folks to visit. And you know, I think it'll work.


PAULS' THOUGHT: IF YOU GO BACK, AND EVERYTHING IS SMALLER, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASSUME YOU'VE GROWN?
I am not a number! I am a free-range chicken! The 'Village' viewed from the woodland above it. 'What are you doing down there?'  'What do you mean? I'm not down here, you're up there!'

Portmeirion is the famous 'Village' from the 60's cult TV series The Prisoner. I visited it in the autumn of 1998 and found it to be an enchanting spot full of whimsy and invention. The atmosphere was just as I had imagined it to be. If you're ever at this corner of the world, I urge you to visit this unique place and linger a moment at the lighthouse, thinking of me. :-)

Two go Mad in Madeira!
My 1998 Holiday.

PAULS' THOUGHT: LIVE YOUR LIFE, NOT OTHER PEOPLES.

Alien Attack in Madeira!

Ah! Madeira. A wonderful, mostly unspoilt Portuguese Island off of the coast of Africa. I had two wonderful weeks here. Above, me being held up by something tropical whilst in the Botanical gardens above Funchal, the islands capital. Since there are no golden beaches (the island was volcanic, so all the beaches are black) none of the 'riff-raff' element comes here. The downside is the average visitor is in their seventies and just wants to nap. It's not a cheap holiday destination, but it is unusual and very wild and beautiful in parts. Beware, they all drive like loons!

Places to visit: Oh, everywhere! Don't miss the palace gardens at Monte, the Levarda walkways all across the island (especially near Rabacal) or the lookout point above the Valley of the Nuns. Quite spectacular!


PAULS' THOUGHT: GLUE IS STICKY FOR A REASON.
The Gardens at Monte. Rather nice.

A shot taken in the Casino Gardens in Monte. I'm starting to go on a bit now, aren't I?


PAULS' THOUGHT: REMEMBER, ALL WISDOM COMES FROM GOATS.
Traditional houses on Madeira are a bit like this.

In the north of the Island the traditional houses are built to take the winds coming off of the Atlantic. This is one of the ones built for tourists to gawk at. I had to wait an hour to take this picture because coach parties kept turning up.


PAULS' THOUGHT:SOME PEOPLE SAY 'MAYBE' WHEN THEY MEAN 'NO'. USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.
More from Monte. Plese don't think this is all Madeira has to offer, but it was lovely! The big rock in the background is mentioned elsewhere as 'The lookout point above the Valley of the Nuns'

Left: Monte...Blah, blah, blah...

Right: In a shock change, here we see Judith admiring the view across The Valley of the Nuns, which sounds to me for all the world like the title of a very 3rd rate porno movie. And who knows, perhaps it is?


PAULS' THOUGHT: ALL FRUIT IS BROWN, SOONER OR LATER.
Judith feels the wind on the only vaguely flat bit of the island, the PAUL DA SIERRA Plateau. 'High on a hill was a lonely Goat...(It's behind Judith)

Left: On the only flat bit of the island, Judith regretted never having bought a head scarf.

Right: On a not-at-all-flat bit of the island (the path between it's two highest points actually) Judith pauses to ask if I'm going to bother following her down some steep steps with near-vertical multi-thousand feet drops on either side... Of course I did. Such things don't bother me! (gulp)


PAULS' THOUGHT: YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH ADVICE. DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE BEING LIED TO?
Guess where?!

The gardens at you-know-where. Go to Madeira. Go now. Don't look back.

Other fun-fun-fun in the sun-sun-sun!
My 1999 and later holidays.

CORFU, 1999. (I believe it's still there.)

PAULS' THOUGHT: HOMOSEXUALS JUST SEEM TO BE HAVING MORE FUN THAN YOU.
An abandoned church in Corfu
The same church, Corfu Judith and Jeep, high in the mountains of Corfu

I had a lovely couple of weeks on Corfu, exploring the mountains and smashing my feet to a pulp on rocks whilst swimming, silly me. The pictures above were taken by me on the slopes of the islands highest mountain, Pantokrator (a.k.a. Panty-Crater). Judith and I wandered through the abandoned village of Paleo Xorio which was very eerie yet cool. Oh yes, and we got there on the roughest of rough tracks in this Suzuki Jeep.

PAULS' THOUGHT: DON'T MOON A NUN, UNLESS YOU HAVE A REAL GOOD REASON
Me on the jetty Judith on the jetty

On our last evening on the island we were treated to a stunningly beautiful sunset, the best I think I've even witnessed. Judith snapped away with her APS camera, and I've been busy with my scanner ever since.

PAULS' THOUGHT: DR HOOK IS NOT A REAL DOCTOR. HE MADE A MESS OF MY IN-GROWING TOENAILS.
Judith relaxes as I steer the boat I steer the boat as Judith relaxes

Left: This is Judith catching a few rays while I played Captain. We hired a fine 12hp craft in Sidari (a nice little town on the north coast) and headed out to sea for a couple of hours of aquatic fun.

Right: I spent most on the time sitting at the helm, developing what sailors calls 'Sea-Buttocks' rather than 'Sea-legs'. I did let Judith have a go though. I'm kind like that.


WALES, 2000.

I didn't get away anywhere too exotic this year, but I did enjoy a very nice week in a cottage in South Wales.


MAJORCA, 2001. (Again, I think it's still available to be visited.)

PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER SAY "YOU'VE MISTAKEN ME FOR SOMEONE WHO GIVES A RATS ARSE ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS" TO YOUR BOSS. THEY WON'T THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRANKNESS.
Judith re-enacts a photograph from our walking guide book. The photograph from our Sunflower walking guide book.

The joy of high-altitude photography. We'd climbed well over a thousand feet up the side of a mountain, in baking temperatures... Sorry, I had a drama-moment there. Forgive me. This is the donkey track leading to the Castillo de Alaro, near the islands west coast. And it was beautiful.

A note for keen walkers: If you've visiting 'abroad', take a Landscape of X book with you, published by Sunflower Books of London. They're flipping great for discovering out-of-the-way places from Madeira to Malta, and the scan above, right, was taken from the Mallorca one. (ISBN 1-85691-103-9)

PAULS' THOUGHT: IF SOMEONE CALLS YOU ARGUMENTATIVE, TELL THEM THEY ARE WRONG.
In the full sized picture, the keen-eyed visitor can spot Judith in the window. A stunning setting for a concrete cross

Left: All along the watch tower...
This fine structure is on the north-east coast of the island, not far from Cala Mesquida. We went walking this day (it has become known as sausage day for reasons I'm not prepared to go into here) and my feet got sunburnt. I have never wanted to get into an air-conditioned car as much as I wanted to towards the end of this day!

Right: Feeling Cross.
High above a Majorcan plain, the monastery of Santuario de San Salvador crouches on a hilltop behind this giant concrete cross. It was a very pretty setting. A path which Judith and I never found the start of runs from here to the Castillo de Santureri (as pictured below) and there is a very nice statue of Christ to admire too.

PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER BE AFRAID TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
Judith and our trusty hire-car, which we somehow failed to name.

The Castillo de Santureri surrounds the top of a truncated mountain and as you see, Judith was in charge of getting us there. I'd not been able to find my Drivers Licence so it fell to her to pilot us about the island, and she hardly hit anything!

Places to visit: The Castillo de Santureri and Santuario de San Salvador (both near Felanitx and seen above) are lovely. But the best place is the La Colobra on the west coast. This is partly because of the spectacular road you need to negotiate to reach it, but mostly because of the wonderful canyon there. Get a guide book (see the note above) and explore the stunning Torrente de Pareis gorge, pictured below. We also saw some pigs, and they're just down there too.

PAULS' THOUGHT: WHEN THE MOON IS BRIGHT, PEOPLE ARE NOT.
Judith and I relax at the end of a long and arduous climb/walk up the Torrente de Pareis gorge. At a Majorcan Manor House we semi-visited (it was a bit dull-looking, so we didn't go in) we saw these lovely Pigs.

PAULS' THOUGHT: IT ISN'T WHAT YOU DO, IT'S THE WAY THAT YOU DO IT. PROPER GRAMMAR COSTS NOTHING.

And now, the end was near. And so we faced the final... wait for the bus back to the airport. Rather than beam at the camera in usual empty-headed holiday way, we decided to look grumpy. Note the teddy bears, the simply unspeakable art on the wall and the fact I seem to look more sultry (I'm told) than grumpy. No wonder I always seem to pull when I'm in a crappy mood.

Note: Forget what I said about changing your mind.

Every album has them!
My odd 'photos.

PAULS' THOUGHT: DO YOU REMEMBER NOSTALGIA? IT WAS GREAT, WASN'T IT?
Idiot Boy!

As a young man of seventeen I developed my wide shoulders. Some time later the rest of my body caught up. This photograph was taken in the CDT workshop during the intervening months.

Shoes by Villa. Shirt by M&S.; The stupid expression was the models own.


PAULS' THOUGHT: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN FATE OR SEAT BELTS. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN BOTH OF THEM.

An odd place in Kent Still an odd place in Kent

This is me and the Greatstone-on-Sea Listening Device. It was built in the 20's on the Kent coast not far from Dungeness as a kind of fore-runner of radar. The idea was it would allow us to hear approaching enemy aircraft early. It didn't work very well, so it was left, as it were, to its own devices. I was here for a bitterly cold (note the bright pink ears) dawn on 20th November 2000.

Places to visit: Well, The shots above were taken in Kent, near the Dungeness Nuclear PowerStation. It has a visitors centre, so perhaps pop in there some time?


PAULS' THOUGHT: THE NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A YARD OF RUBBER TUBING IN YOUR HANDS, PAUSE A MOMENT TO ASK YOURSELF, IS IT NATURES WAY?
Grace, Power and Accuracy. I have none of them.

Tennis is a sport where people try to get something past other people. And you do this on a court. Am I the only person to see the link? Anyway, as you can see I'm shockingly poor at this game, lacking any of the basic skills needed to play it well. I don't let my inability's stop me from playing it badly though. Ah, the Bulldog spirit Churchill was so keen on, eh?


PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER HIDE A BODY IN A SHALLOW GRAVE. WITHIN DAYS A MAN WALKING HIS DOG WILL FIND IT.
It doesn't smell, it Sphinx!

Some time in the 90's (now there's accuracy for you!) Judith and I went to London for the Motor Show and afterwards popped by an old Egyptian friends place by the Thames to say hi. That's Judith's tongue sticking out, not a lip swollen from a bee sting as one person suggested.


PAULS' QUESTION: WHAT DO GOOD WORKMEN BLAME WHEN STUFF GOES WRONG?
And this is why I'm known as Mad Bob, having spent eight months hidding out in the rain forests of Peru for no good reason under the assumed name of 'Robert' I would like to make it clear that I am now i) Clean shaven (most of the time) ii) Not Mental (ditto) iii) Popular with the ladies. I mean, look at the length of that tongue!

A bearded face is the one true sign of wisdom wrote Plato. Still, he was Greek and what do they know about anything except how to make Kebabs? Or is that the Turks? Anyway, I'm not going to get all racist and Eastern Mediterranean on you. These are pictures of me sober and with a beard. 'Nuff said.


PAULS' THOUGHT: THE ABILITY TO LIGHT YOUR FARTS IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF.
The joy of bubblebath

In this remarkable photograph, Judith is seen to materialise a 'spirit entity' from her head. Despite close examination by experts, this picture had passed every test of authenticity.


PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER STAND UNDER A SOLITARY TREE IN A THUNDERSTORM, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Mystic woodland carpet

Not far from the M40 and Chinnor, is a wonderful Woodland Sculpture trail. Here I am, being meditative on a section of carpeted woodland.


PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER TRUST SOMEONE WHO'S RUN OUT OF SENSIBLE IDEAS.

Jud Bluggggh Paul Hewwwwughthh

Oh dear! Look at these two poor unfortunates. Flu can be a nasty thing, but there is a joy in passing it on to your nearest and dearest.


PAULS' THOUGHT: 'FOUR INTO ONE WON'T GO' - THIS IS WHERE THE WORLDS OF BASIC MATHEMATICS FOR YOUNG CHILDREN AND THE PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE INDUSTRY MEET.
Check out the guy on the left!

The firms Christmas outing. Joy.
This is when I worked for a company in Watford. I am not gay now, and despite all the evidence, nor was I then. I love this picture because of the way a chap called Richard (sitting to my right) is eating his dinner. And he'd been properly brought up too! Amazing!


PAULS' THOUGHT:IF YOU'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING BIZARRE WITH ANIMALS, DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT, STEVE.

Bonds-a-plenty

A fair plethora of Bond Bugs. This shot was taken at Woburn Abbey, where the car was launched in 1970. My father runs an Autojumble there every year. For more Bond Buggery, visit my page of the same name:
Click here to visit my Bond Buggery Page.


PAULS' THOUGHT: BE NICE TO PEOPLE ON THE WAY UP. IF YOU HAVE TO SHARE THE LIFT WITH ANYONE, BETTER IT BE FRIENDS THAN ENEMIES.
Not the most flattering angle in the world.

Ever wonder what the microphone on your mobile phone gets to see all the time you're chatting? Nope? Good. There is a fair chance you're sane then. I, on the other hand, seem to be walking a tight-rope over a deep pool of madness. It's fun to tread the fine line sometimes. It's when you meet someone coming the opposite direction on the rope that your troubles really start.


PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO LAUGHS AT THEIR OWN WEAK JOKES IN AN EVIL WAY.

Let slip the dogs of war...

The Yarcombe Dog Races. They have some funny ways down in Devon (where Judith's parents now live). This is one of them. A regular, yearly event, sees dogs, well, racing. In Yarcombe. Hence Yarcombe Dog Races. See?

Places to visit: Devon is lovely, but I can recommend the museum in Chard above all else, if only for its collection of artificial limbs.


PAULS' THOUGHT: IF THERE'S A SPEED OF LIGHT, WHY ISN'T THERE A SPEED OF HEAVY?

It is a little known fact that Terry Wogan often rented his wigs out in the late 80's

Say nothing. I know. Yes, it looks ridiculous, but I was 16ish and that was the fashion back then... to wear your hair on.


PAULS' THOUGHT: RUN. DON'T LOOK BACK! RUN TOWARDS THE LIGHTS.
Face pulling is an ancient and nobel art. All this without the aide of a single illegal substance! I am really this bald. I do own some hats for the cold weather.

I have a good face for snarling, and here is the proof. I also do a fabulous manic grin, as seen above. People tell me I have a very expressive face...as they're backing away usually.

I can also be seen above right, looking odd. Odder than usual.


PAULS' THOUGHT: MONEY WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY. STILL, NO HARM IN TRYING EH?

I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter.
Pictured a moment before ignition (it's a bugger to time these things correctly) here I am fire breathing with the assistance of an old mate, Steve Barton (pictured left). The last I'd heard of Steve he'd jumped the country with a selection of monies which may, possibly, not have been entirely his. I believe he is now living as 'Gloria' in Australia.


PAULS' THOUGHT: BEFORE REMOVING YOUR NIPPLES, THINK CAREFULLY. WILL YOU MISS THEM WHEN THEY'RE GONE?

As it passes into the Earths shadow, the moon becomes 'as blood'. Lovely.

January 2001. According to my research into The End of The World, I believe this may be something of an omen about The End Of Days and the coming of Satan (who, at this time I feel may be Matthew Kelly). Of course, it may just be a harmless total eclipse of the moon...Can we really afford to take that chance?!


PAULS' THOUGHT: STICK TO THE PATH, HUMAN.

A very funny (if badly photographed) sign Judith and I discovered outside of Thame, Oxfordshire on one of out jaunts into the countryside. One can imagine the story behind (quite literally) it!


PAULS' THOUGHT: NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF A SHORT SENTENCE IN CAPITALS
expressing ourselves and finding our dareing jolly funny

May 2001. On a trip out to a National Trust property, Paul discovers the world of PRO-AM face pulling with his ex, Judith. The rest is history. The rest is as good as a change. I fear change. Ten and five pence pieces, particularly.

There REALLY is no excuse for this sort of behaviour in public There are just no excuses for this sort of behaviour in public. It was the same hot Saturday in May 2001 that the images above were taken. The same hazy day I drove up to the North of Bucks with Judith in my Kit car. The same day I mowed my lawn, shopped for a shirt and dinner, and even found time to fix my Dads printer. All in all, a busy, silly day! The following Sunday in bed would have been nice, but instead I watched the GP and tried to replace the thermostat on my Subaru. The shop had given me the wrong size which rather mucked things up, repair-wise, so anyway... am I starting to waffle? (They say you are what you eat!)

The same place, a very different time

Some 6ish years earlier, Judith stood on the very same spot, clutching her crash helmet and wondering what she was doing with this idiot who was asking her to jump up and down while he took photographs. As you see, it required many years of badgering for her to find the courage within herself to leap about like a loon. And god bless her for doing it.



PAULS' THOUGHT: WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT BEING UNWASHED?
NOT taken on the 26th of November 2001.

You know the story. You've been there yourself many many times.
A bored evening, knocking about the house. A neon tube lamp bought as a Christmas gift. The joyous recollection of a judo suit in the garage... Been there, done that, right? Almost a clich� of 21st century single British life, in fact. Anyway, for more stuff from that heady evening, visit my Too Much Time On My Hands page.

My House
Views from the place I call home.

"Our house, in the middle of our road", sang Madness.

Well what a bloody stupid place to put a house I say. It'd be getting hit by cars and trucks all the time! No, beside a road is a much better place for a house. Even one designed to be hit by traffic. I'm lucky enough to live in a house beside a road. And what's more, I have a lovely view, unhindered by piles of smouldering Fords and Vauxhalls. The doors below will take you on a virtual tour of the things I can see from my bedroom window. Enjoy!

Click here to investigate
Click here for a tour of my view
Click here, 'just because you can'
Sorry, try next door
Sorry, try next door
Sorry, try next door
No one is home here. Try another door
No one is home here. Try another door
No one is home here. Try another door

"It's just up the road. Or down it, if you're coming from the other direction"
Things to admire that are just a stones* throw from where I live.

PAULS' THOUGHT: COLIN HUNT. NOT JUST A COCKNEY INSULT.
The Colin Hunt Observatory, near Upper Winchenton, Bucks. And the Sun, the central body of our solar system, some 93 million miles further away.

The Colin Hunt observatory off of the main (ha!) Upper Winchendon to Chearsley road is the home (along with an ancient and well-patched hut in the same remote field) of the AAS. That's the Aylesbury Astronomical Society to uninformed people.


PAULS' THOUGHT: DON'T WORRY, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME. FOR A SMALL FEE.
The Dinton Folly. Closer to Ford than to Dinton, but that's names for you. It could have been the Ford Folly, but it's not, and there's no point in moaning about it. Also the Dinton Folly, but viewed from the other side.

Not far from the observatory above is this, the Dinton Folly. Built a long time ago by a man, it still stands besides the main Aylesbury to Thame road. I was used to hold a display of things, but has long since lost its roof. And floors. However, this seems to have added to the atmosphere. I wonder if there is an inverse floor-to-atmosphere formula?


PAULS' THOUGHT: I SHOT THE SHERIFF, BUT I DIDN'T SHOOT THE DEPUTY. MUCH.
. .

Within walking distance of my home is Hartwell House, a very posh hotel where like likes of you (I'm assuming you're not a member of the landed gentry) and I are not made to feel too welcome. Unless we've won the lottery that is. Even then I suspect we'd be merely tolerated as 'vulgar lower-class new-money' rather than made to feel wanted and accepted. But hey, in the immortal words of Ronnie Corbett, "I know my place".

Left: A charming little folly tower on the wooded grounds of Hartwell House hotel.

Right: The so-called Egyptian Spring on a country lane behind the hotel is a striking example of no known architectural style. Sticking some iffy looking hieroglyphs on a concrete bus shelter doesn't make it egyptian!


PAULS' THOUGHT: "An I.Q. of 125? He can't even spell I.Q."

The tower at the cold black heart of Aylesbury The sun sets over Aylesbury. The office block at dusk.

Aylesbury.

What can I say that hasn't already been said?

Scotland. Home of the Brave and deep fried Mars Bars

PAULS' THOUGHT: MAKE NOTES. QUESTIONS WILL ALWAYS BE ASKED AT THE END
The future awaits us all All you could ask for from a view, but for young and sexy naked waterskiing chicks. About to explore the famous (to people who like zig-zag roads) Applecross road in the Highlands of Scotland.
Left: Grave thoughts. It was outside of Fort William I think that we spied this very photogenic and full on Hammer Horror graveyard.

Middle: This is the most beautiful place on Earth. End of discussion.

Right: I wanted to drive the perilous road across the Applecross (not a very Scottish name, to my mind) peninsula. And so I did. That's FREEDOM at work!

Paul: A man and his women.
How looking like Uncle Fester from the Addams family hasn't held me back.

PAULS' THOUGHT: OH LORD, IT'S HARD TO BE HUMBLE (WITH A 9" PENIS)

That smile. Is it enigmatic? Is it wistful? Is it mysterious? Is is Sphinx-like? Or is it just a tiny bit smug?

This is what all the Laydees love: Rich, soulful, intelligent, sensitive, ruggedly handsome, witty, oozing sexual chemistry, mysterious, successful, kind... Oh no, I'm thinking of Hugh Grant. Sorry. Easy mistake.

Of course, as you can see, I look more like a mix of a lost puppy and Alexi Sayle, but I guess some women like that kind of thing.


PAULS' THOUGHT: WHEN A WOMAN YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE SUDDENLY GIVES YOU FLOWERS, AND YOU'RE RAJIV GANDHI...

Women do this to me ALL THE TIME. How can I stop them?

The things I have to put up with in the name of politeness! This was in January 2000 at a magazine re-launch party at a very cool club called HOME in London. The whole sorry, sordid story of that night can be found on my Dog Faced Boy Page. Look for the February 2000 (version 1, unused) Indie magazine column thingy. This young lady was called Poula, and was a half Italian girl (only shaved one armpit?) who seemed to be looking for a father figure!

Places to visit: Um, in this section we have pictures from a night-club in London, my old lounge in Aylesbury, the pub by the lake in Watermead (Aylesbury again), the grounds of Woburn Abbey and a grotto in the grounds of Stowe House (near Buckingham). All of these locations have much to recommend them.


PAULS' THOUGHT: TO A SMALL CHILD WITH A HAMMER, EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS A NAIL.
Lorraine relaxing at home

This is Lorraine, my first proper girlfriend when I was at the tender age of [Embarrassingly old] who I was crazy about. Naturally she left me for someone so far down the food chain he wouldn't even be eaten by a French person. Swamp-life. Still, she's married now and happy, I hope.


PAULS' THOUGHT: WHAT DOES THE WORD SEERSUCKER MEAN TO YOU? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME?
Catherine dressed as a tart... some fond memories! Catherine still dressed as a tart... don't ask about the hairdryer!

Catherine, pictured here dressed as a tart at a New Years (1994??) party, dumped me when she discovered my name (Paul Smith, for those of you who haven't been paying attention) is an anagram of 'A Shit Lump'. I have several funny stories about her... all of which are far too personal to be reproduced here! Still, she's married now and happy, I hope.


PAULS' THOUGHT: AS THE LIGHT DIMMED, HIS LAST THOUGHT WAS "WHY?" WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ARGOS HE DIED IN?
She flies like a Crow. No, I don't understand why either.

Judith is a member of a unique sect which worships the 'Giant Beak in the Sky'. It's a worm thing. Here she is flying like a Crow in praise. Although we split up in 2000 we've remained friends and still see a lot of each other. Still, she's not married, and I'm sure she's happy.


PAULS' THOUGHT: IF IT QUACKS, AND IT WADDLES, IT IS A DUCK.
Judith has an off day
Judith has a better day
Judiths mouth can be used to store any dairy produce
Brains and Beauty. Judith recieved her degree in 1995

A

B

C

D

A) I'm not saying Judith is a duck. All I'm saying is this is the worst photo of her in existence.

B) But when she smiles the general impression is much improved.

C) Judith shows that grim glasses and an unspeakable jumper won't stop her looking lovely.

D) A lot more than just a pretty face. She also has a nice arse.


PAULS' THOUGHT: TO BE HUMAN, FIRST YOU NEED TO 'THINK' HUMAN.

Sarah, who at the time of writing was my last 'regular' girlfried. I've had a few 'irregular' ones since. A bridge at Stowe House, north of Buckingham in Buckinghamshire.

Left: This is a rather tasteful, if I say so myself, picture of Sarah. It was taken by me at Stowe House (the famous Public School) near Buckingham in August 2000. We sneaked in over the wall. I'm sorry, but I just had to get that off my chest.

Right: Not an ex, but a very lovely bridge, also at Stowe. I'd have put this picture somewhere else, but I couldn't find anywhere better for it. Sorry.


PAULS' THOUGHT: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU. NO, PUT IT BACK. I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN, NO SWEETS!

A lady you must know simply as Girl X. An internet babe and a fine dog walker.

It is a sordid story, yet it's so funny I have to relay it to you, my friends. I'd been chatting to a girl on the 'net for a while, and then a couple of times on the 'phone. One day I suggested we meet for a coffee sometime (as you do) and to my surprise she accepted. We arranged to meet the next afternoon at a McDonalds near her (I know, very classy!) The day dawned and I drove down to meet her in my best shirt. As I climbed out of my car I realised to my horror that I had no idea what she looked like! The only picture I had ever seen of her was of her bottom!! Fortunately she recognised me (I had been less shy about sending her a shot of my face!) and waved me over. The angel above is her. We walked her dog (it's not a euphemism) and had a nice pub meal. I've met her a few times since, and she remains witty, charming and, sadly, a friend.


PAULS' THOUGHT: WEAR SUNSCREEN. NOT ORIGINAL, I KNOW. YET WELL MEANT.

The last time I met a blonde this daft, it was a Golden Retriever. More of the same. Yet more of the same. Sorry. But hey, at least she's not blonde, right?

Left:

Imagine the scene. It's April 2001. I'm at a trade show in Birmingham. It's been raining. Not a happy vision.

However! Who should walk past my stand but this lovely lady, who I believe enjoyed the stage name 'Jessica Jugs'. Well, far be it from me to let a golden opportunity pass me by. I walked boldly up to her and jiggled my camera. With a smile she asked if I'd like a picture. With a grin best described as cheesy, I said, "Yes please". So I handed her the camera, took two steps back onto my stand and struck a pose! She laughed about it afterwards, once I'd explained the joke to her a couple of times. Oh the fun I have!

Middle:

It was September 2001 and at yet another trade show I met these three very sweet girls. I discovered the one on my right breeds show-winning champion guinea-pigs, the middle one designs tree-houses professionally and the lady on my left teaches Judo and tap-dancing.

Click on the small image to reveal a larger one. I feel sure many visitors will want to do this.

The magazine, as if you'd noticed the magazine, is the one I write for, INDIE, which is a fine production written by adults for adults. What am I saying? It's written by independent computer or console dealers (or ex. ones, at least) for independent computer or console dealers.

Right:

Some years earlier (note the darker hair), but also at an ECTS (European Computer Trade Show) I was once again being pressured by the crowd into posing with another lovely lady. This is Nell, who for a while was the lady that Eidos used to promote Tomb Raider. The main character is 'Lara Croft', a pneumatic mix of Indiana Jones and Bridget Jones.

I'd like it on record that this isn't an expression I always pull when in the presence of an attractive woman wearing tight latex.

Indeed no.

It just happens most times.


PAULS' THOUGHT: IT MAY NOT BE BIG OR CLEVER, BUT I AM.
Oddly enough, I am looking for Miss Right. This could be her. Women who look good in Sepia are a huge turn on. Grace and poise are as important to me as the ability to cook and clean.  ;-)

I freely admit these ladies aren't ex's, or even close friends I once shared an ice-cream with. They just look like the sort of stylish, attractive, 'fun-loving' girls I could really get on well with. If they play a bit of Chess, enjoy the occasional pizza and like to visit the cinema, even better. Add an interest in Motorsport and a clean living lifestyle (they say smoking is bad for the chest, so looking at the pictures, I'd say they were non-smokers) and I'd be in heaven. If it helps, I'd not always insist she wears a corset. You see, I'm not too demanding at all! (P.S. I'd prefer a similar looking girl to the one on the left, but with arms, if that's possible)

A short note for any of these ladies legal representatives: No copyright infringement is intended by my unlicensed use of these Internet sourced pictures. I accept that their images are used without permission and assure you that they will be removed upon demand. In fact, if any of them were to call me up and in a stern voice tell me to take her picture off of my site, I'm sure I'd comply immediately. Oh go on...please? ;-)


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