Arty Farty Stuff

Yes, I do have lovely green eyes, don't I?
Before you say 'Yuck' know this: This image is designed to make you say 'Yuck'. So let's see it you're a sheep or not!


A page really worth shouting about!

It features a small selection of thumb-nail pictures of 'some of the things I've drawn and made and that'. Also included are some creative pictures I've taken with my digital cameras. Woohoo.

Obviously you're about to be stunned by my artistic talents, but after you have recovered your breath, can I recommend you inspect the pictures of cuddly toys on the Judith's Bears of Doom site. After that, or before, I'm easy, it's up to you, 100%, have a sneaky peek at my Naked Photo Album which some people are already calling unmissable!* As you surf my sites you may see a picture that catches your attention in a 'wow, that would make a killer T-shirt, man!' way. If that happens to you, I urge you to visit my On-line E-mporiun immediately! There will be some other woodwork and ceramics posted when I get round to it. So that's something nice to look forward to, isn't it? The picture to the right does 'stuff' if you have a little patience, by the way.
* * * NEWSFLASH! * * *
(A very sad pun, please read on!) In the words of Jesse from The Fast Show, "This month I 'ave been mostly messing about with Flash animation". See the fine and dandy results below, and on my Flash Movies Page!

Web site design, I'm told, is all about ease of navigation.
Hence there are some buttons below you can press to go places.
I wish you luck with your surfing of my site.

Yes, but is it Art? See how I sketched my way to freedom!

Photo Fun with my digital cameras and editing software.

The physical evidence of my desire to make wooden things.

High-resolution (1024 x 768 and 1280 x 960 pixels) pictures. Ideal for your Desktop!

Draw me a bath she said...

I'm handy with box full of sharpened pencils (there was this incident in 1989 in an East End pub, but I'll not go into that right now) and below you'll see the evidence of my formidable skill with them.

Where are they now? No. 1. 20mx25m Dogs blood on canvas. As Icons of the 20th century go, you'll not find many bigger than Marilyn Monroe (or Clifford Greenbahm, as he was originally called, of course.) I got to thinking about 'her' mysterious death, and how the heads of the rich and famous were oh-so-often removed and put in bottles in the 50's and 60's. It's true! Anyway, this is my idea of how Ms Monroe may look now...

This image works well as a negative too. Something to try at home perhaps?

Hello Sunshine

This is a picture of, well, a kinda smiley sun-face thing. All that I ask is that you take a moment to look at it and see if it makes you feel anything. If it speaks to you, it is art. This may sound like a large collection of spherical objects, arranged into a rough pyramid, but that's what the art world likes, I believe. How else can we explain that girl who embroidered a tent with the names of everyone she'd ever slept with. Remarkably, there was more than the name of blind Spaniel on the tent. I really can't think how or why.

Fish mittens? No! Fish T-Shirt!

Not created with coloured pencils, but rather with fabric paints, this fishy offering was done on a T-shirt for Judith (my ex-girlfriend) for a birthday a few years ago, and has stood-up well to its many washings and ironings since. I use French Elbetex fabric paints, which should be available from any good art supplies shop.

A Boy and his Box Brownie...ish

I've used my digital camera for creative stuff, as well as the 'mainstream' pictures you can find on my Naked Photo Album page. Here are some edited images I've had a lot of fun with. I am available for commercial work... go on...please.


As used for some of my Christmas 2000 Christmas Cards, (yes, I make my own. It's up to you if you choose to view that in a poor light or not) this image I called Cycle-Path. It's a reduced colour set negative picture of my mountain bike on a path (which leads to the lovely house on my Sofa of Fun page) taken on a wet and windy day in November 2000.

Lord Kitchener Wants You for The Village People.

I found a picture of Lord Kitchener on the net, and it occurred to me he looked like he was calling for new members of the famous 'not entirely heterosexual' band, The Village People, rather than the vague BRITONS of the original World War 1 poster. I mean, just look at that tash. There is no other explanation I can think of for face topiary of that scale, other than a portable declaration that you once upset your mum with some news, which in her heart of hearts you believe she knew anyway.

Me, during a cheery moment in the churchyard on the hill, West Wycombe, Bucks. Halfway through the year, July 1st 2001 Me, during a cheery moment in a churchyard. It was halfway through 2001, July 1st. While this picture hasn't been 'enhanced' like some of the others on this page, it has been made grey-scale (to give black & white its proper name) and cropped. It's also been slightly darkened, and had the contrast upped a little. A number of friends have commented that it's sacrilegious to sit on a gravestone. If you're thinking the same thing, I'll explain it to you as I did to them: 'It's ok if it's done in the name of Art, darling'. I think it's arty enough for this collection of my creations. I'd like it used on the invitations to my funeral, in the unlikely event of my death. Thanks.

My home town centre at night.

Using my new cameras extended exposure feature, I took this shot of Aylesbury's Market Square in the middle of the night. Don't be deceived. Really, it's a pointless squalid place full of people who point and stare at me because I can walk on just my hind legs, rather than knuckling along. More pictures of Aylesbury, for OVER 18 YEAR OLDS ONLY, can be found on my Aylesbury with Bob and Curly page.

As seen on your way in!

A composite image, based on a photo of me in the bathroom, colour enhanced, turned into a negative (bar the eyes) and then the text and the Evil Inside logo (found on the net) were dropped in. There you go. It's simple when you know how it's done, isn't it? Pointless, admittedly, but simple. Couldn't you see this image being used by BNFL (the nuclear PowerStation people) to promote the visitors centre at Dungeness?

Tiny Corgi models of my 1971 Bond Bug 700es.

Taken with the rather iffy macro feature on my old digital camera, these two Corgi models of my 1971 Bond Bug tell an interesting story. Before the launch of the full sized beast in 1970, it was going to be available in a nasty lime green as well as orange. However, Bond (well, Reliant really) had a change of heart and decided only to offer it in tangerine. It seems no one thought to tell Corgi before they were selling the green ones. Its not a good story, I know, yet try to remember it, because it's the sort of thing that comes up in Pub Quiz's, isn't it?

If you'd like this picture as a poster, send £9.99 to me at...

Iconic images are my thing. I can see this as a poster in every students bedroom up and down the country. I am going to seek help for my problems though. (I need to type a few more words here to fill a space, ok? So stop reading, because I'm not going to give any interesting information or insights away. Why are you still reading? Stop. No, really. Stop. You're not paying attention to me, are you? Ok, suit yourself. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh all right then! I DO believe my tongue is both my best friend and my worst enemy, but I'm not going to tell you why!)

My picture for Top Gear Magazine.

This picture was bashed-off on the 31st of Jan. 2001 for Top Gear Magazine. I'd just heard I was to have another letter published in it, and I'd been thinking about offering my services to do the illustrations for the Data Dad section for a while. I created this picture by first sketching my idea, revising it, photographing my sketch and then using a simple paint-and-draw program I have to colour the sketch in. I hope you agree, the end result looks rather good. To explain further, it was inspired by a question in the February edition which ran:

Dear Data Dad, I've just picked up on the water companies' warnings about the possibility of three months without rain this coming summer. So, I reckon it's time to start thinking about a convertible. The trouble is, I am a bit of a softie, so I like my air-conditioning and leather. What soft tops can I get for a budget of £18,000?

Data Dad replied:
How about zilch, zero, nought or nothing? Sadly, Mike, the closest cabrio to your budget of £18,000 is the Renault Megane Monaco 1.6 16v at £18,900. The Volvo C70 2.0T and the Saab 9-3 SE 2.0t both fit your specs but cost at least £6,000 more.

Another picture for Top Gear Magazine.

Another picture for Top Gear Magazine, this was done in Feb. 2001. It was created in exactly the same way as the picture above about, mostly because sadly I'd received no feedback on that one at all. :-( To put it into some kind of context, it was inspired by a question in the March edition which ran:

Data Dad, apparently, at four foot, eleven and a half inches tall, I am officially classed as a midget. Due to this, I have many problems with car (sic) - mainly reaching pedals, seeing over the steering wheel and not losing my kneecaps against the steering column. I would like suggestions for vehicles that will allow me to drive the three hours plus I spend a day in a car in the utmost comfort, and safely allow me to get to my destination.

Data Dad replied:
Don't ruffle your feathers, Small Bird. If we add adjustable steering and seat height to comfort and safety, we get plenty of cars popping up on the screen. The cheapest is the £8,295 Renault Clio 1.2 16v Sport, but you should also look at the Hyundai Accent, the Skoda Fabia Comfort, the Toyota Corolla, Citroen Xsara and the Renault Megane.

My latest picture for Top Gear Magazine.

In due course it was March 2001 and guess what? Yep, I was still battling to be the guest illustrator for an edition of BBC Top Gear Magazine. (Other motoring magazines are available)...

Data Dad, just a quick question, what is the difference between torque and power. and how come they are at their maximum at different points on the rev range? Thank you

Data Dad replied:
Take a spanner. Put it on a nut. Now tighten the nut. The force you apply to the spanner to tighten the nut is torque or rotational force. In an engine the 'big end' on the crankshaft is the spanner and the force required to turn the crankshaft is the torque. You can also multiply the torque by the rotational speed to get watts, which can be converted into horsepower. Peak torque will almost always occur at a lower rpm than peak power when measured on a dynamometer - a device which applies breaking force to the flywheel. Hence, 'break horsepower'

I gave up at this point, having received no feedback on my work what-so-ever. Downhearted? Yes. But- and it's a big but (bigger even than BUT) but I have some other ideas for this ambition waiting in the wings. I'll keep you posted.

A headache? No, just a pain in the temples. Not actually edited, but a fine Arty Farty shot never-the-less. This was taken at Stowe House near Buckingham in May 2001. I'm very pleased with the look of the columns and my 'pose'. It's also featured on my Naked Photo Album Page as a part of an apology, of all things.
This is also groovy as a negative image! As you can see, it also looks rather cool as a negative image. I don't look so hot with an aqua face, but the purplish column on the left is particularly beautiful I think. But I'll leave you to make up your own mind on that. Eye of the beholder and all that.

Mad Cow?

Milton Keynes, a New Town in Buckinghamshire (UK) is famous for many things; More roundabouts than you can shake a stick at, a very big shopping centre and most bizarrely of all, some concrete cows. This photograph is of one slightly crazed example of this rare addition to the rural (or urban, as it is in Milton Keynes) environment which I took in February 2001.
Badger? On the same day, at the same place, I photographed this. It's allegedly also a cow, but it looks like no bovine I've ever seen. And believe me, I've been looking. I suspect 'it be that rarest of things, a concrete badger'. I saw a concrete goat once, in Ulan-Bator. I'm never going back there!

It's an ego thing, ok?

A portrait of a portrait of a portrait of a portrait of the artist.

Something of an ego-trip I guess you'll be thinking to yourself, but in reality it's more of a nod to the um- manufactured, almost mass-produced nature of modern art intrinsic um, thingy of our own image (I think I look better in a mirror than I do in photographs. Does this mean my head is on back-to-frontish?)

Anyway, I think it's cool. You will have your own opinion, and that's ok, because that's what makes you an individual.

Well, it is called a WEBSITE after all.

Ah spiders. This image was inspired by some work I did for my 'Furry Friends' Page. I found the colours produced by making a photograph of my eight-legged chum here into a negative quite stunning. Those delicate blues edged with purple. Those bold blues vivid against the black background... I'm sorry, I went all Changing Rooms there for a moment.

Andy would be proud of me. Or talking to me through his legal representative.

Andy Worhol would be proud of me. Or talking to me through his legal representatives! As seen as an animation on my Flash Movies Page, and on the Index Page, this image was made by taking a black and white picture of me (at the top of the Paul and his women section) and editing it. A bit. Colours, mostly.

I have some room left, so here's some links:
Pauls' Naked Photo Album
Aylesbury with Bob & Curly (Over 18's only)
The Sofa of Fun Page

Sexy Yamaha, you've gone so far, you two-wheeled, two-stroke, twin-exhaust star! A enhanced colour picture of my old Yamaha RD350-YPVS which shows off it's deep blood-red after-market paint-work and traffic scarring airhorns. It was stolen not long after this picture was taken, and partly resprayed metallic green before the police tracked it down for me. I say partly resprayed, so you can imagine what a ghastly sight it was when I got it back... And then it was stolen again! :-(

This picture also appears on my Naked Photo Album page, in the Real Wheel Nut section with many of the other transports-of-delight I've enjoyed, like my funky Bond Bug and Sevenesque Kit car.

Chopped up face? Yes I know. Me again! But it's not my fault. At the time I was playing with my new camera whilst watching television, and this accidental shot was the result, but with one minor (mirror) addition. If you look closely, you'll notice that I've got two left sides of my face, which gives a very interesting effect, I think. Anyway, click on the thumbnail for a bigger, clearer version.

Orange shirts are very much My Thing, Baby, and I can often be found sporting one around the house. Or even 'out-of-doors'. Odd expression, that. Anyhow, the only thing wrong with this picture is that the flash didn't go off when I took it, but as I say, I didn't even realise I'd taken it until I downloaded from my Fuji.

Taken on the 26th of November 2001. Yes, the trees I can see from my bedroom window.

Yes, a simple negative image.

And yes, all three figures in it are me. Sorry.

NOT taken on the 26th of November 2001. You know the story. You've been there yourself many many times.

A bored evening. A neon tube lamp bought for a friend. The sudden recollection of a judo suit in the garage... Been there, done that, right? Almost a cliché of 21st century single British maledom, in fact. God. I'm so glad it's not just me. Anyway, for more silliness from that heady evening, visit my Too Much Time On My Hands page.

A fine film with a real feeling of chilling horror. The Wicker Man is a cult British horror movie, which has gained classic status through the quality of the acting, the quirkiness of the plot and the bottom waggling elements!

This picture was created by scanning the front cover of an old EMI video cassette of the film (1980 vintage. The oldest VHS tape I own I believe), blanking out the names of cast and crew, making negative, bumping up the contrast and other general image-editing bobbins. The end result would make a fine poster for a stage show I thought.

What do you think?
Please e-mail me your burning insights!

The stunningly beautiful heart of Aylesbury. I've often spoken about Aylesbury and it's contribution to the architecture of the western world. (Over 18's can see my Aylesbury with Bob & Curly page for more rantings) And this is, in a dreadfully punning way, the high-point of the town; the offices of the local county council. Did I say office? I meant orifice...

This 'not actually edited, just taken with a long exposure at dusk' picture also features on my tastefully shot Naked Photo Album page.

I took this picture becasue I was ASKED to. There seems to be no end to the things I'll do simply because a total stranger has asked me to do it. I figure this sort of attitude will get me in trouble some day, but until that happens, I'll keep doing it.

This shot was taken for the site. Again, it's only been edited in-as-much as it's on it's side to show the book off. Please, don't ask me why.

Why not pay it a visit to see what the whole silly business was about? Note: They didn't use this shot, but there is another of me they did post. See if you can find it, and thus see me and my trademark orange shirt in all our glory.

Artistic views from the place I lay my hat.

This feature also appears on my very popular Naked Photo Album page, but I thought you'd like to see it here too. Click a door below to visit the views afforded by my bedroom window. No pictures have been obviously edited, but many are Arty Farty and so I felt they deserve a mention here.

Click here to investigate
Click here for a tour of my view
Click here, 'just because you can'
Sorry, try next door
Sorry, try next door
Sorry, try next door
No one is home here. Try another door
No one is home here. Try another door
No one is home here. Try another door

KIDS! Don't try this at home.This clip took four takes to get the focusing right. My neck stung for days!That's not way to get ahead...

As well as stills photography, I like to play with animated GIFs (don't we all?) and create such delights as the triptych of wandering heads above. It's actually one image used three times, but as you see, the timing works. It's sort of good to know how you'd look during a horrific farming accident, isn't it?

Below is a 'film' of more animated GIFs, as widely used on my Dog Faced Boy Page. These were all made by editing one picture of me, saving that image, copying it to a new name and re-editing it. Well, it passed a few hours which would have otherwise been spent sleeping or watching television... So, in many ways not totally wasted.

Not at all well

Are you drunk?

I feel funny

How I may have looked to Jimi Hendrix
Bad Acid


How I look during an earthquake

My 'Terry Gilliam' style picture

Getting into (and out of) shape

I try to look like a stereotypical Indian

Some people say I have a big head...

I have still never been arrested for flashing

Horizontal hold problems of the 3rd Millennium

This is called 'Wibble'. I believe that says it all

The thing that lives in my head

How fish see me?

Phil Spectre's wall of sound?

Click here to see an enlargement.

The Light Fantastic, and the Joy of Wood.

Boredom can be a good thing as well as a bad one. One Christmas, with poop on the telly and Judith away at her parents, I become bored, bought a jigsaw on a whim and then had to make something with it. Below is my Floor Lamp, the fruit of three crazy, heady days. "Why make it the shape of a lighthouse?" many have asked. I simply reply; "Because I could."

My fabby floorlamp

Standing as tall as a newly born calf, this lamp features a soft-tone 40watt bulb and internal storage shelves. It doesn't come in a choice of fashionable colours or fabrics. It's made from wood and paint and a bit of wire for the railings. I had a lot of fun making it, which is just as well, because the materials used in its construction came to about £50.

It's also a cupboard

The viewing platform features 'Ted', a hand-crafted miniature lighthouse keeper. He stands, proudly, looking out for shipping in distress. Since the lamp is in my lounge, all he usually gets to see is my sofa in distress, which I guess is the next best thing.

This lamp was the inspiration for one of my stories about Jonathan Creek. This link will take you to my J.C. site, and look for The Mystery at the Old Light!

Just say NO to euthanasia

My bedside lamp was made from a small neon tube and the shell of an exit sign I found on a skip-diving expedition. As you can see, it's a great talking piece, if somewhat pants to read by. It often makes me think about euthanasia, and how dignified or otherwise a human life ending should be. Yes, I know! All this from a bedside lamp!

Roger Moore?

My piece of carving, created, unusually, with a very high pressure industrial sandblaster. This chunk of wood was originally a plain plank used to protect aluminium plates from the floor of the blasting cabinet. Over a period of a week, whilst 'temping' at a local engineering firm many years ago, I blasted it into the form you see here. It can usually be found decorating my bathroom, which may be more information than you needed. Finally, it's 38cm long and could be for sale to a good home.

High-resolution images for your desktop!

These 1024 x 768 and 1280 x 960 pixel photographs are approx. 220Kb-350kb in size, so will take a few seconds to download. They're in .JPG (jpeg) format, and so will need converting into .BMP (bitmap) files before being used for your desktop background. You should have a bit of software on your PC or Mac somewhere to do this. If you're not running your system at the same resolution as the image, you should be able to use the same piece of software to re-scale it to 1280 x 960, 1024 x 768 or 800 x 600... or whatever!

Please note, AOL users only get to see crappy quality versions of these pictures because of the way AOL handles images. If you'd like a decent version of any shot e-mailing to you, feel free to E-mail me for a copy.

You could use your back button,
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*but on the whole they are safely locked up and pose no threat to society at large.